When Weakness Overcomes You

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I've been staring at a blank page for weeks now. All I feel is emptiness. I have no desire to write anything. I am having a hard time now even letting the words flow out of of me. It's taken me 15 minutes to write the above two sentences. I keep telling myself if I just talk about it, I would feel better. But how do you admit that weakness has overcome you?

Weakness can limit us, it can hold us back from reaching our full potential. The mind is a powerful thing. It can play tricks on you, leaving you feeling hopeless. Especially when emotions are involved. It can leave you feeling like no one cares when they do. I remember a quote that says “Be careful who you share your weakness with, some people can't wait for the opportunity to use it against you.”

For those of you who may not be connected to me personally and are reading this, let me catch you up to speed. About 18 months ago my husband Daniel started having issues with vomiting and diarrhea. We didn't really realize at first that anything was wrong, because it was so sporadic that we thought it was a stomach bug, or just something didn't agree with him or maybe it was his Ankylosing Spondylitis acting up.

In time, we knew what was going on wasn't normal, as it slowly started to get worse. We had a colonoscopy done, a stomach emptying study, endoscopy and blood work. They also checked his Kidneys and his appendix. All coming back normal. He also does not have a gallbladder.

On June 2nd 2018, I took him to St. Anthony's North E.R. They gave him some fluids by I.V. as well as Phenergan by I.V. He started feeling much better the next day and so he decided he was going to go ahead and go to church camp, because he had been looking forward to just having some quite time with God. Once we hit Texas it was back to vomiting again, we were almost there so we thought, well, if all else fails he can just rest in the air conditioned room all week. That's when it started! A spiral downward of no solid foods or liquid being able to be kept down, which landed us in the E.R. Saturday June 9th in Tyler Texas. They thought maybe it was his appendix because he screamed when they mashed down on his right side. My pastor's wife sat with me that night till 3:00am and we were both hoping that was what it was, just so we could have answers! Every test they ran came back normal!

I called our primary care physician and he set another appointment for Monday June 11th. We went to the appointment with high hopes of answers only to be left with none. The Dr was concerned that he had lost 15lbs and was calling the gastroenterologist and said he didn't have any answers for next steps till he talked to him and would give us a call back within a day.

So here we are…..

I'm obsessed with googling and WEBMD right now. I don't know if that is a blessing or a curse? My mind is running wild with the worst, but I also know I need to be my own advocate. Daniel is so tired right now that he just wants to be checked into a hospital. It's just not that easy. Fast Forward ……. Daniel is now keeping food down but still having a lot of pain near his Kidney and we still don't have answers! We have gotten out the last couple of days but he still ends up jumping and wincing in pain.

PAUSE….

My 18 year old son has been battling with Psoriasis but I have never really talked about how bad it is. He is very VERY weird about me talking about it. I wish I could show you pictures on just how bad it is, but I won't out of respect for his privacy! He is now loosing his hair. It just comes out in clumps every time he takes a shower. We have tried everything the Dr's have given us and we are now also adding some natural remedies. Everything we do is a process. Last night I sat down for an hour and a half with a tooth brush and rubbed a combination of baking soda, cinnamon and olive oil all over his scalp and then rinsed it with vinegar and then had him wash his hair. It seemed to help a little so we may try this again. I has also applied a protein treatment to his scalp 2 days before that and we are now testing CBD oil.

He just notified my husband and I last night that he has decided to cut off all of his hair.  He has asked off 2 weeks of work just so that we can hopefully get his scalp under control. Please pray for us as this is going to be a traumatic experience for him at 18 years old. Again I wish I could share photos to document our experience but he is being super drawn back and quiet about everything. He is also is struggling with me even writing about what I already have.

I'm tired…. I'm Worn…. My heart is heavy…. These are the words that best describe what I am feeling right now. I feel weak and I feel guilty for feeling weak. Weakness, fear and sadness is overcoming me. I am supposed to be the glue that holds everything together yet all I want to do is just sit and cry in front of the TV. Boomer my dog knows something isn't right with mommy, he won't leave my side. I am starting to think he is seriously becoming my secret emotional support dog. I am having the complete opposite problem than Daniel, all I do is stress eat and I have gained weight. I don't feel like working, I need rest, but I can't.  So many things on my site are broken, I've googled my heart out trying to figure things out with only hitting a road block every step of the way. I am the only bread winner and my blog is all we have right now.  The only motivation I have right now to keep going is the pile of Medical bills we have waiting to be paid.

I am so filled with anger right now. I don't feel like I can talk about any of it for fear of hurting someone's feelings or being judged by this cruel world. So for now I hold it all in with the occasional outburst of tears to God. Right now MUSIC is a big part of my healing. It's a big part of my life. Many of the songs that I sing at church , usually have to do with something personal I am going through or something I've already overcome.

WEAKNESS…WHAT MY FLESH IS TELLING ME:

• You're weak! Weakness is a sign of failure!
• This is just God's plan so you just need to deal with it.
• You suck at multitasking and you need to get it together.
• I'm prayed out…..
• People are watching how you handle this, what will they say?
• No one understands what I am going through.

WEAKNESS…WHAT MY HEART KNOWS:

• • God has gotten you through a lot, have you forgotten that?
  • This is just a season, it to shall pass.
  • Psalm 34:17-20 basically says that When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.
  • It's OK to feel tired and worn as long as you can give it God.
  • Weakness isn't a sign of failure, it shows that even though you are Christian you still have battles to fight. It also shows you still need Jesus and you are not as invincible as you thought you were.
  • This weakness was meant to server you , not limit you.

I struggle between what my flesh says and what my heart says. I am usually pretty good at keeping it together but we all have our limits. I have always struggled with writing about what we go through as I didn't want my family to feel like they are a burden. Especially Daniel. I love that man with all my heart and when I said my vows for better or for worse, I meant it! ( I am only giving you a taste in this article to get your tongue wet)

I'd like to be able to say that I wrote this so that others who are going through this could find some comfort in knowing they are not alone. While that's partly true, I'd be lying if I didn't say I wrote this for myself. I am hoping that this can be part of my therapy. I am trying to work on some me time and spending a little less time online. The travel has been amazing and has been the one of the only things that has helped keep me sane. Daniel and I were planning on taking a cruise this year for our anniversary but not sure if that is going to happen now or not.

I am trying to be more diligent about writing more personal stories, but it's really hard for me to talk about my personal life sometimes. Here are some of the others I have written.

Just Getting Real with Ya'll

My Child has Ankylosing Spondylitis

I will Praise You In this Storm

Where there is Faith there is Hope

It's a Slow Fade, People Never Crumble in a Day

Don't be Satan's Tool

Speaking out Against Domestic Violence, Yes I was Abused

I lost my Job….

Right now I am obsessed with this song by Tenth Avenue North because he speaks exactly how I feel! I'll post the words for those of you who may not be able to listen at this time!

I'm Worn:

I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn