As a blogger I get invited to many different events including movie screenings. I was recently invited to see Miracles from Heaven. I only had two tickets and my husband had been planning to see it with me but my daughter was so bummed because she has been talking about seeing this movie for months so like any good dad would he let her take her place. I thought to myself this would be a great mother daughter date but little did I know that God had something else in store for me.
Let’s back it up to earlier today. My husband had a Dr’s appointment with his Rheumatologist today at 1:oopm. For those who haven’t been following my blog he has Ankylosing Spondylitis and so does my daughter. It was 3:00pm before we actually got to see the Dr but we were prepared for that because his Rheumatologist is amazing, she takes her time with each patient. Normally I would take this time to catch up on work but for some reason today was slow, so I was getting bored quickly, but it gave me some time to think about what we needed to discuss today. After talking to the Dr she decided she wanted to take some x-rays because Daniel has been experiencing more pain than normal these passed few weeks and his meds just aren’t helping any more. When she came back she told us that my husband’s SI joints had completely fused. I immediately started to cry but held it together because I didn’t want to upset him. This meant his disease was progressing. The Dr has been trying to get him on a new infusion but the insurance company has denied him 3 times. After this new diagnosis she is going to try one more time. I pray that God will intervene and that they will approve it.
We were running late and so I had my daughter meet us at the theater and my husband dropped me off. Miracles of Heaven is about a young girl suffering from a rare digestive disorder who finds herself miraculously cured after surviving a terrible accident. It’s about the restoration of Faith. I literally cried through the whole movie. But something happened to me when Anna looked at her mom and said “Mom I just want to die, I don’t want to make you sad mommy but I don’t want to be in pain any more.” Oh my gosh that really hit home. Does my husband ever have these thoughts? We’ve never really talked about it but there are nights when I know he has had to think about it. Nights when he is screaming in pain and I sit in my closet and cry because I don’t know what to do but pray. But my Faith has kept me strong. God has gotten us through so many things. Faith brought me acceptance but tonight I had realized I had lost my Hope. One of my favorite verses is Phillipians 4:19 says But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. You see, I had Faith that God has a reason for everything and that God must have a reason for Daniel to have this disease. I had faith that he would take care of us but I had lost all Hope that God was going to cure him. I guess I had just accepted the fact that it is what it is and that God had an important reason for it. I guess for me acceptance meant some sort of peace with it all.
Psalms 31:24 says Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD. How easy it is to forget how great our God is. Did you know that Jesus performed 37 miracles in the Bible? At least that is what I could find that was recorded. Why couldn’t he cure Daniel and why should I think that it wasn’t meant to be. Is it because it was easier, less hard, or like I said before just easier to accept? It’s like I was just planning Daniel’s outcome for him instead of giving it to God. Bad things happen to good people not because they deserve it, not because God is some heartless being. There could be so many reasons, we don’t have to know why, trying to figure that out leaves less room for love, hope and peace in our hearts. Do I get upset, do I get angry sometimes, do I feel like I just want to give up. Sure, these are all natural human fleshly feelings. Those are things that satan wants me to feel, he loves it actually. I am determined to not let him win though. I have to find my Hope again because how can I spread God’s message of Hope if I don’t have Hope myself. I don’t want to live in self pity but live as a reminder that God is good and that through I can take on anything.
Tonight during the movie God spoke to me. I felt very connected to Christy’s character. Although I haven’t lost my Faith, I am definitely going to be praying differently and I am going to be working on reminding myself that there is Hope in the Lord. I am sitting on the couch as I am writing this because Daniel is in so much pain he cannot sleep and he moved to the living room so I decided tonight I was going to sit up with him. After all, God gave me this job to have the freedom to be there for him so if that means staying up all night and holding his hand then so be it. There is always time for sleep tomorrow right? He is now sleeping soundly so I am going to log off and try and get some sleep myself and enjoy some of the quite and pray.
Miracles of Heaven opens March 16th in theaters.